The title of this blog is also the title of one of my favorite Jack Johnson songs and it is currently stuck in my head. I can't promise you that it will have any relevance to this post because I'm not sure what will come out of this post. I just had the urge to write. Whenever I start to get fidgety and stressed out, I usually go to Hobby Lobby, and at some point throughout the day, I write.
My journal is my best friend. I hate the term, "diary." Unless you're talking about, "The Diary of Anne Frank," don't ever use it. It's cheesy in every other aspect. My apologies to anyone who keeps a diary and loves the term! But, I prefer the term, "journal." The thing I love most about my journal is it's ability to literally keep every single secret of mine, whether it be a thought, feeling, experience or prayer. It literally holds everything. I am such an over analyzer and am so ADD that my brain often fills up quickly with all kinds of things. It often needs to be emptied out because when it isn't, everything begins to get cloudy and confusing and I am much more apt to have some kind of emotional outburst whenever I don't release those things.
I grew up in a difficult household around people who abused substances. And from a very early age, I knew right from wrong and knew I did not ever want to end up like the people who I lived with every single day. I had a temper growing up but no one but my parents ever experienced it because living at home with them was an extremely stressful environment. Especially for a young child. I had so many emotions and did not ever learn to channel them until I was in 2nd and 3rd grade. My teachers those two years saved me. They saw potential I had. They saw how much I loved expressing myself through pictures and more importantly, words. How easy it was for me to write down everything I thought and felt. Without them, who knows if I would have ever found such a great outlet. At school, I never had a temper. I was respectful and kind to everyone around me, including my teachers and superiors. Everyone other than my parents. As a 10 year old I never once thought they deserved my respect because of the type of home they raised me in. Because of that, I had many outbursts of anger. I would slam doors, hit walls, throw things, and scream. But I did it all behind closed doors in my room. I would literally lose control.
As a high school student I calmed down a lot and almost never had my temper come out as terrible as it did when I was a child. I had one outburst here and there, because again, If I wasn't emptying out onto paper how I was feeling especially after communicating at all with my parents, I'd lose control. Once I graduated from high school and now four years later I remained in control of how I acted dealing with my parents. Until about a week ago. And I lost my temper. Not to the extent of how it used to be, but I allowed myself to get angry. And you know how I felt after? Awful.
I have been so fortunate to have new, positive, wonderful people in my life and one of those people I have developed such a close relationship with has put life into perspective for me and made me better. They make me want to be better. To choose hope and joy and to be thankful. I am a better person because of them. Holding grudges and bitterness only takes time off of my life. And to be able to forgive those that hurt you the worst is one of the most challenging things I have ever had to go through. But, doing this has lifted 10,000 pounds off of my heart. A dear friend told me that attitude is half the battle. And she couldn't be more right.
-H-
