Friday, July 26, 2013

better together.

Dear Reader (if there really are any), 

   The title of this blog is also the title of one of my favorite Jack Johnson songs and it is currently stuck in my head. I can't promise you that it will have any relevance to this post because I'm not sure what will come out of this post. I just had the urge to write. Whenever I start to get fidgety and stressed out, I usually go to Hobby Lobby, and at some point throughout the day, I write. 
   My journal is my best friend. I hate the term, "diary." Unless you're talking about, "The Diary of Anne Frank," don't ever use it. It's cheesy in every other aspect. My apologies to anyone who keeps a diary and loves the term! But, I prefer the term, "journal." The thing I love most about my journal is it's ability to literally keep every single secret of mine, whether it be a thought, feeling, experience or prayer. It literally holds everything. I am such an over analyzer and am so ADD that my brain often fills up quickly with all kinds of things. It often needs to be emptied out because when it isn't, everything begins to get cloudy and confusing and I am much more apt to have some kind of emotional outburst whenever I don't release those things. 
   I grew up in a difficult household around people who abused substances. And from a very early age, I knew right from wrong and knew I did not ever want to end up like the people who I lived with every single day. I had a temper growing up but no one but my parents ever experienced it because living at home with them was an extremely stressful environment. Especially for a young child. I had so many emotions and did not ever learn to channel them until I was in 2nd and 3rd grade. My teachers those two years saved me. They saw potential I had. They saw how much I loved expressing myself through pictures and more importantly, words. How easy it was for me to write down everything I thought and felt. Without them, who knows if I would have ever found such a great outlet. At school, I never had a temper. I was respectful and kind to everyone around me, including my teachers and superiors. Everyone other than my parents. As a 10 year old I never once thought they deserved my respect because of the type of home they raised me in. Because of that, I had many outbursts of anger. I would slam doors, hit walls, throw things, and scream. But I did it all behind closed doors in my room. I would literally lose control. 
   As a high school student I calmed down a lot and almost never had my temper come out as terrible as it did when I was a child. I had one outburst here and there, because again, If I wasn't emptying out onto paper how I was feeling especially after communicating at all with my parents, I'd lose control. Once I graduated from high school and now four years later I remained in control of how I acted dealing with my parents. Until about a week ago. And I lost my temper. Not to the extent of how it used to be, but I allowed myself to get angry. And you know how I felt after? Awful. 
   I have been so fortunate to have new, positive, wonderful people in my life and one of those people I have developed such a close relationship with has put life into perspective for me and made me better. They make me want to be better. To choose hope and joy and to be thankful. I am a better person because of them. Holding grudges and bitterness only takes time off of my life. And to be able to forgive those that hurt you the worst is one of the most challenging things I have ever had to go through. But, doing this has lifted 10,000 pounds off of my heart. A dear friend told me that attitude is half the battle. And she couldn't be more right. 



Tuesday, June 18, 2013

something i stumbled upon...

Hey there, 
   So I was going through some things on my facebook page and stumbled across this note I wrote almost two whole years ago. And boy did I need to read it and be reminded of the things that my then 20 year old self was figuring out. I am sure it was a sign that I was supposed to read this note again. God's timing is always perfect. 

"First of all, Joy is a noun.
   It is defined as this from the dictionary, “A feeling of great pleasure and happiness.” A few synonyms include, delight, mirth, pleasure, and gladness. Are we not all born with joy? And then overtime the world screws us over and knocks us flat on our backs and leaves us completely immersed in self pity, negativity, and a thing I like to call “blah.”
   Why do we lose joy? Is it adulthood that slaps us in the face one day and yells, “HEY, BEING AN ADULT SUCKS. IT’S YOUR TURN. HATE IT JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.” Is it losing a loved one? For me, the moment I lost my joy was the moment I tried to live without God. For a year and a half I have been on a journey that has been nothing but me being completely selfish and doing what I want, when I want, how I want, and where I want. I had this attitude of, “It’s my life.” When in reality, God gave me this life. By him being so gracious, and having his only son, Jesus, the ultimate lamb, the ultimate sacrifice, nailed to a cross so I could do what? So I could sit back and indulge in everything bad for my body? Everything that Satan loves and wants for me? I slapped my God in the face just like adulthood slapped me in the face.
   I didn’t need Him. Or so I thought. That’s the lie that kept controlling my brain. How is it okay for me to sit back and act like I don’t even care that Jesus was nailed to a cross for me? He bled. He was beaten. He was spit on. He was killed for me. He willingly died for me. I cannot get that thought out of my head.
I have been so convicted and my heart has become so soft again for my Lord and Savior. The one who created me. And everything. This is not a post to preach. This is not a post to judge. I for one have no place to judge anyone because I continue to make mistakes and do things out of selfish ambition daily. I have just been reminded that I am loved dearly, and greatly but the creator of the Universe. I am loved. And so are any of you who read this. You are special. You are loved. You are important. And most importantly, you have a purpose.
   It took some time to come to this realization. It took some time for my faith and my beliefs to become real to me. For me to not only believe what Jesus says, but to believe it and live it for my own life. Not because I have to. But because I want to."


Friday, June 14, 2013

five months+some.

Hi friends!
   Wow, has time flown by. I go through these phases of blog writing and journal writing and then sometimes I end up totally just stopping and I'm a total dork for stopping because this is my outlet. Words. On paper. Or on this screen. They're my outlet. My way of expression. And I am so thankful for that. 
   So much has happened over the last five months! So instead of back tracking on all of that, I'll fill you in on where I am at now. Currently I have the best job ever. I'm a Lead toddler teacher and its the BOMB! Sometimes stressful of course but it is the most rewarding thing I have ever experienced. The unconditional love that these kids give me is something else. I thank God often for the best job because He is indeed allowing a gift He has given me to be used to make Him happy. 
   In other news, I'm a changed person. For many different reasons but specific instances in particular that I have experienced to shape my mind and thoughts more and more in adulthood. Whether they be decisions we make or people that we come in contact with. Specifically people. 
   I'm at a loss for words, people. No pun intended. Have any of you ever met someone that you feel you have an instant connection with? Yet they make you feel excited and nervous at the same time? And you want to impress them of course so they'll notice you. And it'd be great if they felt the exact same way back and there were no obstacles blocking your way. Unfortunately, that's in a perfect world. In the real world, the other person has no idea you think they're ridiculously amazing and practically perfect in every way. And you have to see them almost everyday. In the real world, they're either with someone else, or tied down by other obligations. In the real world, they wouldn't ever leave the situation they're in even if they're unhappy just to take a chance. 
   As humans, because we are demanding beings we want what we can't have. We want what is nearly impossible to get. But if we get it, by some 1 in a million chance we get it, we won't ever let it go. 

Saturday, December 29, 2012


Hi friends,

   It's been a couple of months since I've written on here and I hate that. So much has happened. So many wonderful things. So many sad things. So many emotions have been constantly taking over my brain all at once over the last couple of months. It's hard for me to process things. I am emotionally and can be easily hurt. But I can also be what one calls a "stuffer." I stuff my emotions and put them on the back burner of everything else that is happening until everything builds up and I literally explode. Usually it's some kind of emotional-weep in the shower kind of explosion. Never directly at someone.

   I feel as though there are many seasons of life that we go through. We go through the stage where the most important person we all depend on for the first several years of our lives are our mothers. Then the seasons continue. And eventually we go through awkward middle school and junior high stages full of braces, bad hair, too much makeup, and trying to fit in. Within that awkward period of time, for me, my mother was the last person I wanted to talk to or want advice from. But no matter what, she was there. My family was always there. They've always been here. And I do not give them enough credit for that.

   I've made many mistakes with people over the course of my life by depending on them too much because of things that have happened to me in my past. And it isn't fair. I will be the first person to tell you that I care way too much about people. Their lives. Their decisions. I am very invested in people. The Lord is revealing to me, (and he has been doing this for a long time but I haven't truly been able to see it until now) to continue to use the gifts He has given me. The compassion and love He has given me for people. Patience. An open mind. Open ears. Empathy. Encouragement. And to use them for him and not myself. To be fully invested in Him. Not people. We are all human. Humans can't live up to the magnitude of what God lives up to. And he lives up to so much more than that. He was, is, and will forever be the only constant thing in my life.

   I am thankful and have so much love for every single person in my life right now. Whether they are close to me or distant from me because there is a purpose for every single person I have encountered.

Happy ALMOST New Year. 



Monday, September 10, 2012


Hey friends!
   So, I really honestly do not even know who was reading my blog and who wasn't reading my blog. It's been awhile since I wrote my last post, but so much has been going on. My Mimi finally passed, and she went to be with Jesus on the 25th of August. The service was beautiful and I actually went and saw her at the cemetery today. In all honesty, there is something so calming and so peaceful when just sitting on the grass at a cemetery. Knowing that she is Jesus just made it sweeter and made me more happy that I will in fact, see her again.
   Thanks to one of my best friends non stop encouragement, she's helped me rediscover my love for photography. I've always loved it; always done it. I have a macho camera, and I would love to be able to do it full time as a career but sometimes I get discouraged because the industry is so competitive. When she saw my portfolio and some of my photos for the first time she was blown away and had no idea I even did photography. Today was the first day in months that I actually went out and shot my camera. For fun. No pressure. And it was glorious. I was reminded of the passion and love I had for it. So I will post a few after this blog post. :]
   Today is Suicide Awareness Day. And if any of you do not know about the non-profit called TWLOHA, aka "To Write Love On Her Arms," you need to check it out. I have been such a huge supporter of it ever since I discovered it several years ago. Having battled serious depression and at one point several years ago considered taking my own life, I am so thankful that there is such a wonderful support system for people out there still struggling every single day. I have three tattoos between two wrists- a Christian fish, the name of a favorite bible verse, (Proverbs 3:5-6) and the third is a Chinese symbol meaning strength. I got the symbol as a reminder that trying to take my life is never an option. That there are people there to help. There are people out there who do understand what you're going through. Sometimes, days seem unbearable and you just literally want to lock yourself in your closet and never come out. Through having been at the bottom of the pit in my life, and being able to come back out with Jesus holding me tight, I have never felt better. Truly.
   However, some days I still struggle and get upset. But I know that I will not ever let suicide, self harm, or anything else that is harmful to myself or others be the solution. Ever. To anyone who reads this who may or may not be struggling, remember you do have purpose. You are special. You were made to be a blessing. You are a blessing. You are loved. And suicide is never the answer to your problems. I love you.
   Here are a few pictures from today. I am thankful for a friend who helped me rediscover a love that I thought was lost a long time ago. Thanks, nugget. :)


Tuesday, August 21, 2012


Hi there people,
   It's been a couple of days since writing and I think it was a good thing. I love writing and being able to express myself this way, and love sharing my random thoughts and epiphany's with you. However, one thing that I hate about writing, texting, any communication that does not involve verbal conversing, is tone. You can never understand a persons tone in anything that they're writing. Of course you can look at little things like punctuation and look for hints, but ultimately you cannot tell. Sometimes I think I get myself in trouble if I write something wanting it and meaning for it to be received how I meant for it to be, when in reality it was received in a completely opposite way from what I imagined. And sometimes that bites me in the butt. Whenever I'm writing I'm not focusing on anything else. I'm just writing. I get an idea and I can't stop. So I am very regretful and apologetic to things I have written where it has hurt anyone.
   Moving on, the title of this post is important. With everything that has been going on with slowly losing my Mimi, and the stress it has put on my family, especially my dad, I have realized that I am the glue that helps hold my core family together. That is not to be said in a selfish, or cocky tone at all. It is said in a way that is a blessing, and at the same time, very hard. I am naturally an emotional person. I am such a feeler. Empathy is a big word to describe my personality. However, I do not like people seeing me upset. I would rather shove my feelings of being sad and be there for the people around me. I often refer to myself as the "black sheep" of the family, but in a good way. My brother is nine years older than me, and my sister is 8, and then there's me. I was born very different. I was born into a household full of addiction and anger. As a child it was not a good environment for me to live in. Now, as an adult, my parents are completely different people. For the good. And I am so thankful for that. Being on the side of being a non-believer, and then being a believer now, I always like to think the Holy Spirit was with me since I was born. I like to believe that God was guiding me even when I didn't know who He was or believed in who He was. He knew that I would learn to know and love who He is. He knew that I would be blessed with amazing people to teach me about Him. He already had it planned out. I say those things because I have always had a conscious. Not a normal sized one either. A HUGE one. I wasn't a rebellious child, I didn't push the boundaries, and I knew right from wrong and would never cross that line. Everyone else in my family did whatever they wanted to do because they felt like it. I was never that way. And to this day I'm not that way. By the grace of God I have been saved from a lot of bad things.
   I am confident, love, and know that He has always kept tabs on me. He has always had my best interest in mind. He has never given me more than I could handle even though sometimes in the moment things felt unbearable. He has used me to minister and keep my family close. He has given me life. He has given me awesome friends over the course of 21 years. And right now I have some of the best friends I have ever had in my entire life. Even though things are tough right now, I am reminded that I am so blessed. And I do not deserve any of it. So, thank you Lord for extremely hard things that have happened to me and things I've had to go through. But because of those things and because of you, Jesus, I am who I am today. And I am thankful.

Saturday, August 18, 2012


   I cannot believe that it is already 2:37am as I am writing this and I have to be up in seven hours to go to work. Shoot me. ANYway, obviously you all know that the purpose of a blog is to write whenever you're feeling inspired, mad, sad, funny, whenever really. All of those emotions or feelings are great when blogging. This blog is titled what it is titled because the person who this blog title is named after is a huge inspiration of mine. As a female, how can one not love everything that Miranda Lambert stands for? She believes in women being empowered, strong, as well as independent. She believes in justice for those who treat people wrong. I can't say that I disagree with her.
   Tonight was the fourth time seeing her in concert period. The first time I saw her was in Fay and she was opening up for Jason Alden who was then opening up for Dierks Bentley. And now, six years later, she has one of the top grossing country tours this year. Filling up arenas. The second time I saw her was in the Fort, and it was her mini headlining tour where she headlined smaller venues in comparison to arenas. Then, April of this year I saw her in Little Rock not even knowing she would be IN my hometown four months later and as soon as it was announced in May I knew I had to see her again! And bring friends who hadn't ever seen her. She is one of the best live performers and artists that I have ever seen. And I've seen a lot. Tonight however, was the first night that I had ever been so close to one of my top artists ever that I wanted to faint. There's something about actually being able to be 10-15 feet from them where you can literally see their face and it isn't just on a jumbo screen. Seeing one of my musical influences tonight up close was so surreal and honestly such a cool dream that came true. It was on my bucket list! If you haven't seen her show, you have to
   A huge dream of mine has always been to work in the music industry and of course there are millions of other people who want to do the same thing. I don't necessarily want to be in full front like Miranda is, but I have always had this dream of playing in her band. Or in another one of my favorite artists bands. Or songwriting with them. I enjoy music as a whole-but there is so much that goes into making what everyone hears on radio happen. So much time. I dream about working with her and other artists like her. Who are original and have such a head knowledge and heart of the industry. I dream of living in Nashville. I have always said ever since the first time I visited that at some point in my life I would live there. It reminds me a lot of home.
   When someone goes to a concert with me I feel really bad for them. I love looking at and listening to all of the technical things and lighting, mix boards, band placement, listening to the production of everything. I have a blast, especially when there's beer involved. But my natural brain instinct automatically goes into overdrive and is taking notes and loves to see how each artists productions are SO different. I love seeing everything that goes into a show in order to make it happen. Because without a crew to set up stage equipment or to work on lighting or sound boards, it couldn't happen.
   I've played guitar for the last eight years, mandolin for a few, and the next instrument I would love to conquer and learn would be the banjo. Eventually I would love to be a strings master and be able to literally pick up any instrument and play it.
   I am so sorry to those of you who read my blog because this was probably a super duper boring post, but if you read it, then I thank you very very much. I believe that music can really heal someone, anyone, if you really let it sink in to your heart. And into your soul. Falling asleep writing this...but here's a pic from the show!