something i stumbled upon...

Hey there, 

   So I was going through some things on my facebook page and stumbled across this note I wrote almost two whole years ago. And boy did I need to read it and be reminded of the things that my then 20 year old self was figuring out. I am sure it was a sign that I was supposed to read this note again. God's timing is always perfect. 

-H

"First of all, Joy is a noun.

   It is defined as this from the dictionary, “A feeling of great pleasure and happiness.” A few synonyms include, delight, mirth, pleasure, and gladness. Are we not all born with joy? And then overtime the world screws us over and knocks us flat on our backs and leaves us completely immersed in self pity, negativity, and a thing I like to call “blah.”

   Why do we lose joy? Is it adulthood that slaps us in the face one day and yells, “HEY, BEING AN ADULT SUCKS. IT’S YOUR TURN. HATE IT JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.” Is it losing a loved one? For me, the moment I lost my joy was the moment I tried to live without God. For a year and a half I have been on a journey that has been nothing but me being completely selfish and doing what I want, when I want, how I want, and where I want. I had this attitude of, “It’s my life.” When in reality, God gave me this life. By him being so gracious, and having his only son, Jesus, the ultimate lamb, the ultimate sacrifice, nailed to a cross so I could do what? So I could sit back and indulge in everything bad for my body? Everything that Satan loves and wants for me? I slapped my God in the face just like adulthood slapped me in the face.

   I didn’t need Him. Or so I thought. That’s the lie that kept controlling my brain. How is it okay for me to sit back and act like I don’t even care that Jesus was nailed to a cross for me? He bled. He was beaten. He was spit on. He was killed for me. He willingly died for me. I cannot get that thought out of my head.

I have been so convicted and my heart has become so soft again for my Lord and Savior. The one who created me. And everything. This is not a post to preach. This is not a post to judge. I for one have no place to judge anyone because I continue to make mistakes and do things out of selfish ambition daily. I have just been reminded that I am loved dearly, and greatly but the creator of the Universe. I am loved. And so are any of you who read this. You are special. You are loved. You are important. And most importantly, you have a purpose.

   It took some time to come to this realization. It took some time for my faith and my beliefs to become real to me. For me to not only believe what Jesus says, but to believe it and live it for my own life. Not because I have to. But because I want to."

-H

five months+some.

Hi friends!

   Wow, has time flown by. I go through these phases of blog writing and journal writing and then sometimes I end up totally just stopping and I'm a total dork for stopping because this is my outlet. Words. On paper. Or on this screen. They're my outlet. My way of expression. And I am so thankful for that. 

   So much has happened over the last five months! So instead of back tracking on all of that, I'll fill you in on where I am at now. Currently I have the best job ever. I'm a Lead toddler teacher and its the BOMB! Sometimes stressful of course but it is the most rewarding thing I have ever experienced. The unconditional love that these kids give me is something else. I thank God often for the best job because He is indeed allowing a gift He has given me to be used to make Him happy. 

   In other news, I'm a changed person. For many different reasons but specific instances in particular that I have experienced to shape my mind and thoughts more and more in adulthood. Whether they be decisions we make or people that we come in contact with. Specifically people. 

   I'm at a loss for words, people. No pun intended. Have any of you ever met someone that you feel you have an instant connection with? Yet they make you feel excited and nervous at the same time? And you want to impress them of course so they'll notice you. And it'd be great if they felt the exact same way back and there were no obstacles blocking your way. Unfortunately, that's in a perfect world. In the real world, the other person has no idea you think they're ridiculously amazing and practically perfect in every way. And you have to see them almost everyday. In the real world, they're either with someone else, or tied down by other obligations. In the real world, they wouldn't ever leave the situation they're in even if they're unhappy just to take a chance. 

   As humans, because we are demanding beings we want what we can't have. We want what is nearly impossible to get. But if we get it, by some 1 in a million chance we get it, we won't ever let it go. 

Night,

-H-