glue.

Hi there people,
   It's been a couple of days since writing and I think it was a good thing. I love writing and being able to express myself this way, and love sharing my random thoughts and epiphany's with you. However, one thing that I hate about writing, texting, any communication that does not involve verbal conversing, is tone. You can never understand a persons tone in anything that they're writing. Of course you can look at little things like punctuation and look for hints, but ultimately you cannot tell. Sometimes I think I get myself in trouble if I write something wanting it and meaning for it to be received how I meant for it to be, when in reality it was received in a completely opposite way from what I imagined. And sometimes that bites me in the butt. Whenever I'm writing I'm not focusing on anything else. I'm just writing. I get an idea and I can't stop. So I am very regretful and apologetic to things I have written where it has hurt anyone.
   Moving on, the title of this post is important. With everything that has been going on with slowly losing my Mimi, and the stress it has put on my family, especially my dad, I have realized that I am the glue that helps hold my core family together. That is not to be said in a selfish, or cocky tone at all. It is said in a way that is a blessing, and at the same time, very hard. I am naturally an emotional person. I am such a feeler. Empathy is a big word to describe my personality. However, I do not like people seeing me upset. I would rather shove my feelings of being sad and be there for the people around me. I often refer to myself as the "black sheep" of the family, but in a good way. My brother is nine years older than me, and my sister is 8, and then there's me. I was born very different. I was born into a household full of addiction and anger. As a child it was not a good environment for me to live in. Now, as an adult, my parents are completely different people. For the good. And I am so thankful for that. Being on the side of being a non-believer, and then being a believer now, I always like to think the Holy Spirit was with me since I was born. I like to believe that God was guiding me even when I didn't know who He was or believed in who He was. He knew that I would learn to know and love who He is. He knew that I would be blessed with amazing people to teach me about Him. He already had it planned out. I say those things because I have always had a conscious. Not a normal sized one either. A HUGE one. I wasn't a rebellious child, I didn't push the boundaries, and I knew right from wrong and would never cross that line. Everyone else in my family did whatever they wanted to do because they felt like it. I was never that way. And to this day I'm not that way. By the grace of God I have been saved from a lot of bad things.
   I am confident, love, and know that He has always kept tabs on me. He has always had my best interest in mind. He has never given me more than I could handle even though sometimes in the moment things felt unbearable. He has used me to minister and keep my family close. He has given me life. He has given me awesome friends over the course of 21 years. And right now I have some of the best friends I have ever had in my entire life. Even though things are tough right now, I am reminded that I am so blessed. And I do not deserve any of it. So, thank you Lord for extremely hard things that have happened to me and things I've had to go through. But because of those things and because of you, Jesus, I am who I am today. And I am thankful.
-H
  

mirandaLambert.

Hi!
   I cannot believe that it is already 2:37am as I am writing this and I have to be up in seven hours to go to work. Shoot me. ANYway, obviously you all know that the purpose of a blog is to write whenever you're feeling inspired, mad, sad, funny, whenever really. All of those emotions or feelings are great when blogging. This blog is titled what it is titled because the person who this blog title is named after is a huge inspiration of mine. As a female, how can one not love everything that Miranda Lambert stands for? She believes in women being empowered, strong, as well as independent. She believes in justice for those who treat people wrong. I can't say that I disagree with her.
   Tonight was the fourth time seeing her in concert period. The first time I saw her was in Fay and she was opening up for Jason Alden who was then opening up for Dierks Bentley. And now, six years later, she has one of the top grossing country tours this year. Filling up arenas. The second time I saw her was in the Fort, and it was her mini headlining tour where she headlined smaller venues in comparison to arenas. Then, April of this year I saw her in Little Rock not even knowing she would be IN my hometown four months later and as soon as it was announced in May I knew I had to see her again! And bring friends who hadn't ever seen her. She is one of the best live performers and artists that I have ever seen. And I've seen a lot. Tonight however, was the first night that I had ever been so close to one of my top artists ever that I wanted to faint. There's something about actually being able to be 10-15 feet from them where you can literally see their face and it isn't just on a jumbo screen. Seeing one of my musical influences tonight up close was so surreal and honestly such a cool dream that came true. It was on my bucket list! If you haven't seen her show, you have to
   A huge dream of mine has always been to work in the music industry and of course there are millions of other people who want to do the same thing. I don't necessarily want to be in full front like Miranda is, but I have always had this dream of playing in her band. Or in another one of my favorite artists bands. Or songwriting with them. I enjoy music as a whole-but there is so much that goes into making what everyone hears on radio happen. So much time. I dream about working with her and other artists like her. Who are original and have such a head knowledge and heart of the industry. I dream of living in Nashville. I have always said ever since the first time I visited that at some point in my life I would live there. It reminds me a lot of home.
   When someone goes to a concert with me I feel really bad for them. I love looking at and listening to all of the technical things and lighting, mix boards, band placement, listening to the production of everything. I have a blast, especially when there's beer involved. But my natural brain instinct automatically goes into overdrive and is taking notes and loves to see how each artists productions are SO different. I love seeing everything that goes into a show in order to make it happen. Because without a crew to set up stage equipment or to work on lighting or sound boards, it couldn't happen.
   I've played guitar for the last eight years, mandolin for a few, and the next instrument I would love to conquer and learn would be the banjo. Eventually I would love to be a strings master and be able to literally pick up any instrument and play it.
   I am so sorry to those of you who read my blog because this was probably a super duper boring post, but if you read it, then I thank you very very much. I believe that music can really heal someone, anyone, if you really let it sink in to your heart. And into your soul. Falling asleep writing this...but here's a pic from the show!
-H

anything you can do, i can do better.

Hihi,
   I am convinced that I stared at my cursor blinking for 10 minutes straight having major writers block. As I was sitting here contemplating what words I wanted to give any of you readers today, Teen Mom is playing in the background. Yes, I said Teen Mom. And I am not ashamed. Okay maybe just a little bit, but it will just be our little secret. The rest of MTV is playing in the background as well as random Hunger Games commercials, Real World promo's, and stuff about Snooki. Based off of only listening to what is going on while I am writing this, the word competition keeps flashing in my head right now.
   If you are a human, at least the age of 18, had an actual job, or encountered people, you would have learned that there are several different kinds of people in the world. And I'm not just talking about race here, people. There are the "story toppers," who literally will say absolutely anything to top the most tragic or wonderful story that you tell because they well, want to be better than you. There's the people I like to call the "never evers" because they could have just accidentally chopped off their left hand, and you, being the selfless person you are, chop yours off to give it to them and even in that circumstance would never EVER be pleased. There are the "self absorbed," who are only concerned about themselves. And last but not least, the fourth group of people that exist in this world would be the "Debbie downers."
   Having worked in customer service for the last five years, I have encountered every single group of people. Over a thousand times. And in my personal life, another thousand times. Let's start with the "Story Toppers." Anybody who is reading this right now knows that you have inquired a story topper before. Or maybe you ARE the story topper! I once had a friend, and no, we are not friends anymore, who was the greatest story topper of all time. She constantly had to be on her toes in order to blow whatever sad story I had out of the water. In time I found myself stooping to her level coming up with these crazy scenarios just SO I could hear her try and top my story. Then it just became a competition and (hence the name of this blog!) I just kept singing "Anything you can do I can do better! I can do anything better than YOU!" in my head. What I gathered from my experience with that ex friend, and other people I dealt with who were toppers, is that their lives must be so boring. Literally like watching paint dry boring to make themselves sound ridiculously adventurous, depressed, or just plain awesome.
   Next we have the "never evers," who may be my favorite type of people. These are the kind of people you are going to encounter if you work with people. Ever. As I said above, you could donate a freaking limb to these people and it would not be enough and you would simply be less than impressive to them. OR they would be angry because said limb wasn't good enough for them. These are the people that go to restaurants and yell at waitresses for something not being on the menu that they want. NEWS FLASH: Since when do waitresses have a say in what goes on a menu and what doesn't? Um, NEVER. So, to all of you never evers, just stay home.
   We're almost done people, I promise. Moving onto the self absorbed. I lied before. THESE people might be my favorite. I just envision them standing in front of a mirror all day posing and smiling and saying positive things to themselves, about themselves, in the third person. Something about that playing over and over again in my head just makes my heart happy. It totally shouldn't. But sometimes I can be a sarcastic ice queen, and it just so happens that that's how I'm feeling right now. Lucky you. These people revert everything back to them. And make everything about them. It's your birthday! Who's the one that pretty much blows out your birthday candles? (metaphorically speaking, of course.) Self Absorbed!
   Finally, summing up all of this nonsense coming out of my ginger cranium, we have the Debbie Downers. Kudos to SNL for coming up with the character Debbie played by Rachel Dratch. Extremely accurate. These Debbie's just bring down the house. Literally, they could bring down a house with all of their bad news and pessimism. Being on vacation at a beautiful beach having a wonderful time, YES, I would love to hear about your venereal disease and how you can't go swimming because you have a terrible urticaria (that is another word for rash, for those of you who were unaware). I am an empathetic person. I feel for people, and for my friends. I like to put myself in their shoes and really understand what they're going through. But in that case, my diseases and I will be keeping to ourselves.
   I love people. Observing, talking, learning from, and laughing with as well as at people. For those of you who read this, I thank you. And for those of you who don't. Then well, you're missing out on one hell of a clever ginger.
Laters baby,
-H

3 is odd for a reason.

Fellow Americans,
I saw the movie The Campaign yesterday and as a citizen of this great country, and maybe because I am feeling slightly more patriotic than usual, I thought that it was my constitutional right to inform you all of something.
Now, I'm obviously not the one who conglomerated the number system and what means what, but the number three is odd for a reason. Cutting to the chase, who invented the "3rd wheel system?" Just to tell you all a secret, I've never had a serious boyfriend in my life. No, I'm not a freak, socially awkward, picky, or secretly a dude in women's clothing. I'm just the "observing friend." the one who sees all of my close friends screw ups and bad relationships and learns what not to do that way. Instead of living it first hand, I live it through them.
Having been single for well, my whole life, I have become an expert at being the third wheel. The term "third wheel" can be applied to any kind of relationship, really. And the definition of that word that if you could look it up in the dictionary would be: awkward.
I am supportive and happy for all of my friends who are in relationships and in love and all that jazz, but if you invite me to do something with you and your significant other, or where there will be multiple couples there, I will respectfully have to decline. No, I would not like to be the 3rd, 5th, Or 7th wheel on your putt putt date to remind myself that I am yes, still single, and not even close to going on a couples putt putt date.
Until tomorrow,
-H

creepers.

Hello friends,
I am currently sitting in the break room of my work and am feeling a little bit perturbed. The question that keeps racking my brain and I keep asking myself over and over again is, why do I attract weird dudes?
Okay, don't get me wrong, I am a friendly person and give most guys the benefit of the doubt, but if you're going to ask me if I get high, have a significant other, a baby daddy, or if you can touch my hair, there is a two letter word I am going to write on your foreheads with a sharpie. And it's NO. Do I look like I have a "baby daddy?" or a baby for that matter? If that's the way all of you unfortunate men like to try and pick up women, and they fall for it, then they are a few french fries short of a happy meal. Let's be honest.
Then there are the super sweet guys who have no interest because they either A- stick you in the friend zone immediately, or B- already have a girlfriend.
Unfortunately I have to get back to my terrible job and encounter some real charmers for the next six hours. I can hardly wait.
-H

dear patience...

Hihihi,
   Okay, I may or may not have just caved and gotten a dorito taco from of course, Taco Bell. And before any of you out there in cyber world judge me, they're freaking delicious. I don't care what anyone says! Plus, the Tbell guy gave me a 10 percent discount! How could I turn it down?!
   Anywaaaay, I have not blogged in a couple of days and I figured that I should tonight after working an eight hour shift, when I am exhausted at work I get home and then I am not the least bit sleepy anymore. My dog seems to be. He is laying on my keyboard, so forgive me for any grammatical errors that may occur.
   The word that has come to my mind constantly today is patience. Not necessarily in a biblical way, though that is extremely important, but naturally, I am very impatient with strangers, and people that I do not care for very much. Sometimes I will say people widdle my patience down to where it's almost nonexistent anymore, and then I just want to kick them in the shins.
   Then there is the other kind of patience that doesn't deal with people every day, but the kind that doesn't want to wait on God's plans for you. Or me. Or whomever. Then there is the patience problem with technology, or driving; devices or people not moving fast enough for us. As much as I know about God's word and what it says about patience, I can't sit here and say that I practice patience in the right way.
   Your family are the people who will be there for you through thick and then, no questions asked no matter what. HOWEVER, sometimes they make me want to again, I will use the same term, kick them in the shins. They know you the best, so they know how to push your buttons. I find myself the most impatient with my family. Specifically my parents. Even more specifically, my mother. I am an adult. I don't think that she has been able to get that through her mind yet. Sometimes I think because  I am the youngest in my family she has a hard time dealing with the fact that I'm 21 and can do whatever I please and do not have to consult her anymore. That is totally said in the most respectable tone. ;)
   What I have learned recently with driving, or my computer or phone not going fast enough is I can't make things go faster. When I have mad road rage I automatically think in the back of my head that of course, tailing people to the point where if the person in front of me were to just do a little "tap tap" on their breaks, my car would go smashing right into theirs. But I don't care. I do it anyway! I did it today in fact. But really, did I get where I was going any faster? Negative, ghostwriter.
   My shpeel full of rambling and random thoughts is through. For my own sake, I definitely need to work on my patience. Lord help me. 
   People say that being a red head, and being from the south one can be full of trouble, stubborn, and ornery. I can't say that I disagree with that statement.
-H

announcement.

Hi there!
   Well, I can't figure out for the life of me why the heck I always blog really really late at night. Maybe it's because I am comfy in my bed, snuggled up with my pup, obsessing over Pinterest or Twitter. And then boom, it hits me, a thought; and I just run with it.
   Education was something that I wanted to pursue for a long time. As in teaching. Part of me very much wanted to do that, and the other part of me just wanted to do it because it was an easy way out and an easier degree to get. For me. Ministry has always been an option, too. We will see what God does with that over the next couple of years.
   My brother is a person I look to a lot in my life, for guidance, and just because we are extremely similar in views and humor and just, personality types. He and I have always shared the love of justice and what is right. Not what people want to do, or think they should do, but what is right to do. We share a love for that. I knew that I always wanted to have a job where I help people, or children, but definitely people as a whole. Having had experience being in therapy and seeing a person who is clinically trained to help one with their problems, I know first hand how beneficial it is. It is hard, but it is helpful. It can change your life.
   After deciding on teaching, I changed my degree plan to sticking with teaching, and then getting a masters degree in counseling. Psychology has revealed itself to me more and more over the last several months and I have discovered how much I love it. How much I love learning about our brains and learning about chemical imbalances and why some people end up having different disorders, or emotional hardships, or trauma. As I blogged about yesterday, I have always asked the question, why? Why are people this way? Why do people do these things? Why is my brain so different from someone who could do that? And with all of those "why" questions, I am referring to criminals. Not just thieves, but rapists, murderers, and any kind of criminal you could think of.
   When I hear about something on the news or read something online or in a magazine about a heinous crime, I automatically go into this crime solving mode that makes me ask questions. Now, my normal personality type is to be empathetic, and most people would not want to hear details on a crime, most people automatically think the worst of the person who committed the crime. Not me. I must have gotten that from my brother. I want to get inside of their head and break down a wall to figure out the answers to all of my "why" questions.
   Basically, where I am going with all of this talk is that I know I could be so great at working in the field of Psychology. Not just regular ole Psychology, but Forensic Psychology. Where the justice system meets the brain.
   This is pretty much an online diary for me, and I am not sure how I feel about that yet. But, I am itching to get  back to my NCIS episode. :) Those are my thoughts for the night. Hope everyone had a great day! laterrrrrrs.
-H

third time's a charm.

Hola!
   Okay, so I am officially proud of myself right now. This is day number three, consecutively writing on the blog, and I'm not forcing myself to do so. I think that was my problem the last 20 times I tried to start a blog. I felt obligated to do it. Obligation. Oh how that word makes my skin crawl. PAUSE. IT'S 11:11! MAKE A WISH PEOPLE!.........................okay wish made. That was fun. Is it weird that I always say "amen" after I make a wish? Because it's kind of like you're praying, but you're not....kind of.
   I have to admit something. I did not leave my house one time today. I kinda felt like a bum, honestly. I'm so tired, and I did absolutely NOTHING today. That's sad. So don't tell anyone! Sh! So what's kind of on my brain today is purpose. I feel like God steers my head and my heart in so many directions sometimes that I have no idea where I'm going. Aka what I am gonna do with my life!
   I've always been a person who asks the 5 w's. Who, what, when, where, and why. Always. Since I could talk. Especially the 5th one, why. I will say that my parents exposed me to some really not so great things growing up, but also, some great things, that helped shape me today. I watched a lot of I Love Lucy as a baby, I listened to a lot of older music, and I watched the news. I think my interest in the news was sparked probably around age four. Then, in elementary school, I began writing in 2nd grade. I would write stories and my teacher would type them up for me and print them out into little books and let me illustrate them. Moving on, my 3rd and 4th grade teacher (I had the same one both years! No, I was not held back!) really encouraged my writing. We had these old composition books, and part of our Language Arts grade was to write an entry every single day to her, and we would turn them in, then, she would respond. It was so fun!
   I was very influenced as a child with a love for many things, but for some reason, writing always comes back to me. It always seems to be the one thing that has constantly been there. Besides Jesus of course! ;) A way to express myself that no one else in my family has is such a neat blessing. I was definitely not a fan of structured writing in school. Free writing was where it was at for me and my brain.
   Since I totally went on a tangent for two paragraphs, I really got the news buzz in 8th grade. I emailed a local anchor and she let me come down and tour the news station one morning. I thought that was just the best thing that ever happened to me! Again, super influenced by many things. I've had the news buzz, the teacher buzz, the writer buzz, the music buzz, the psychology buzz, and sometimes it just gets tiring because then I end up having no clue what I want to do. I think I am scared of commitment. I am scared of sticking with something, in fear that I will not be good enough. In reality I know I am good enough and I know I can do anything I put my mind to. I can achieve my dream if I put forth all of the effort and work that I can towards it.
   I am struggling and trying to learn to not live in fear of the unknown. I pray for peace and comfort and clarity because I love so many things that I wish I could just combine it all into one job. I am learning that I cannot control everything. God created the universe. He created me. He ultimately knows whats best for me, so why can't I just let Him control my life? Because I'm a human and humans are stupid. ;)
   I am slowly fading. So sleepy. Thanks to whomever reads these entries. If any. Until tomorrow, probably.... :)
-H

P.s- Happy National Best Friend Day!

honesty is the best policy.

Hello hello,
   It is currently 9:32 p.m and I am sitting with my puppy on the floor of my bedroom, and I realized just now that I really need to vacuum. Sick. Anyway, today's word of the day that I am sharing with all of the bloggers and people of the universe if anyone sees this is honesty. I don't know about you, but I would consider myself to be a pretty honest person. Sometimes being honest helps someone, sometimes it unintentionally hurts someone, and sometimes in your gut you just know you should be honest with not only people, but yourself, because it's the right thing to do.
   I have had many a friend come and go and I am only 21. But now, people in my life are consistent and things are leveling out for me in adulthood. My best friend and I, we will call her "B" even though anyone who knows me and is reading this knows who she is, and for those of you who don't, then, you'll just know her as B. She is truly a one of a kind human being. And my sister for life. We knew each other in middle school and junior high, but then she disappeared to a charter school and we didn't reconnect until earlier this year. And back then, we were solely acquaintances. Tonight we had a tough talk. Details are not important, but if it weren't for her brutal honesty with me, then our friendship wouldn't be as solid as I know that it is.
   I am so thankful for the people that God has put into my life that have stuck like glue to my heart over the last several years. God tests us. He tests us in different ways. Whether it be something as small as patience, or something as big as dealing with death. There's the cliche saying that everyone knows, although I am not sure everyone fully believes: "God will never give you more then what you can handle." And as cheesy as it may sound, it is complete truth. Satan will keep killing, stealing, and destroying everything that he can. And if we allow him to get inside of our heads, plant a seed, and we run wild with it, he will win. We will have given him everything that he wants.
   I had to be honest with myself about how I was living my life. Things that I was doing wrong. And with the help and honesty of B, I could do that tonight. And God just reminded me that the purpose of a friend is to speak truth over you, to walk side by side with you, with Him. To be of no judgement, or condemning, like Him. I am blessed by so many wonderful people. Life is very hard. Following Jesus is very hard. He even said that about himself. But the good things and bad things that happen to us and around us are just a giant reminder to me that I get eternal life, with God, in heaven, where everyday is good. Everyday is bright. There is no darkness, no sadness, no hate. There is love, there is peace, and there is light. I cannot wait to see that day.
Lots of random thoughts. But I very much enjoy getting them down on here.
Sleep well, friends.
-H
  

been there, done this, im back!

How are you?
   I believe that this is probably the 8th blog I have ever tried to start and have yet to continue with any of them. Which is sad. And lame. But mostly lame. For some reason this time is different, I'm excited to write and be able to use this blog as a vessel for anything. God gave me the love and gift of writing and being able to express myself in this way and I am so very grateful for that. I suppose He is behind this post. I do not know if anyone will read any of these posts, but for some reason, it is still so refreshing to be writing again.
   I love literature and reading and writing. Total dork. Any expression that involves the arts is simply  intriguing and wonderful to me. I love movies. All kinds. And quoting them. Constantly. Music is such a passion of mine, but slowly God is revealing to me a very big gift that has been wrapped in a giant box that has been right in front of me the whole time. I just haven't been able to see it; or I chose not to see it. People. God gave me a heart for people. Compassion, love, acceptance, patience, and encouragement.
   Jesus has come to my rescue more times then I can count. He picked me up off of a very rough hard gravel, bumpy, and dangerous road when I was 14. Growing up in a family where there is substance abuse was not meant to be easy, or fair to anyone. No child should have to deal with that. It is scary and unpredictable, and the people you should be able to trust and depend on let you down. From a very early age I learned this. I did not believe when I was 13 that a "god" would put me in a household where I felt like I did not belong. Seven years later, I am thankful for the rocky past that He saved me from. It has yet to get easy, and it will never be easy. Life is hard. But the only thing I constantly remind myself of is that we as humans are selfish and impatient and we choose to turn our backs on the one thing that created us. The only thing that makes since. Jesus. He never turns his back on us. We turn ours on him.
   I pray for you, reader. If any. Believer or not. I want to remind you, that you are loved. You were created for an amazing purpose. And most importantly, you are special. There is no one like you.

Ps- I'm Hanna.