glue.

Hi there people,
   It's been a couple of days since writing and I think it was a good thing. I love writing and being able to express myself this way, and love sharing my random thoughts and epiphany's with you. However, one thing that I hate about writing, texting, any communication that does not involve verbal conversing, is tone. You can never understand a persons tone in anything that they're writing. Of course you can look at little things like punctuation and look for hints, but ultimately you cannot tell. Sometimes I think I get myself in trouble if I write something wanting it and meaning for it to be received how I meant for it to be, when in reality it was received in a completely opposite way from what I imagined. And sometimes that bites me in the butt. Whenever I'm writing I'm not focusing on anything else. I'm just writing. I get an idea and I can't stop. So I am very regretful and apologetic to things I have written where it has hurt anyone.
   Moving on, the title of this post is important. With everything that has been going on with slowly losing my Mimi, and the stress it has put on my family, especially my dad, I have realized that I am the glue that helps hold my core family together. That is not to be said in a selfish, or cocky tone at all. It is said in a way that is a blessing, and at the same time, very hard. I am naturally an emotional person. I am such a feeler. Empathy is a big word to describe my personality. However, I do not like people seeing me upset. I would rather shove my feelings of being sad and be there for the people around me. I often refer to myself as the "black sheep" of the family, but in a good way. My brother is nine years older than me, and my sister is 8, and then there's me. I was born very different. I was born into a household full of addiction and anger. As a child it was not a good environment for me to live in. Now, as an adult, my parents are completely different people. For the good. And I am so thankful for that. Being on the side of being a non-believer, and then being a believer now, I always like to think the Holy Spirit was with me since I was born. I like to believe that God was guiding me even when I didn't know who He was or believed in who He was. He knew that I would learn to know and love who He is. He knew that I would be blessed with amazing people to teach me about Him. He already had it planned out. I say those things because I have always had a conscious. Not a normal sized one either. A HUGE one. I wasn't a rebellious child, I didn't push the boundaries, and I knew right from wrong and would never cross that line. Everyone else in my family did whatever they wanted to do because they felt like it. I was never that way. And to this day I'm not that way. By the grace of God I have been saved from a lot of bad things.
   I am confident, love, and know that He has always kept tabs on me. He has always had my best interest in mind. He has never given me more than I could handle even though sometimes in the moment things felt unbearable. He has used me to minister and keep my family close. He has given me life. He has given me awesome friends over the course of 21 years. And right now I have some of the best friends I have ever had in my entire life. Even though things are tough right now, I am reminded that I am so blessed. And I do not deserve any of it. So, thank you Lord for extremely hard things that have happened to me and things I've had to go through. But because of those things and because of you, Jesus, I am who I am today. And I am thankful.
-H