something i stumbled upon...

Hey there, 

   So I was going through some things on my facebook page and stumbled across this note I wrote almost two whole years ago. And boy did I need to read it and be reminded of the things that my then 20 year old self was figuring out. I am sure it was a sign that I was supposed to read this note again. God's timing is always perfect. 

-H

"First of all, Joy is a noun.

   It is defined as this from the dictionary, “A feeling of great pleasure and happiness.” A few synonyms include, delight, mirth, pleasure, and gladness. Are we not all born with joy? And then overtime the world screws us over and knocks us flat on our backs and leaves us completely immersed in self pity, negativity, and a thing I like to call “blah.”

   Why do we lose joy? Is it adulthood that slaps us in the face one day and yells, “HEY, BEING AN ADULT SUCKS. IT’S YOUR TURN. HATE IT JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.” Is it losing a loved one? For me, the moment I lost my joy was the moment I tried to live without God. For a year and a half I have been on a journey that has been nothing but me being completely selfish and doing what I want, when I want, how I want, and where I want. I had this attitude of, “It’s my life.” When in reality, God gave me this life. By him being so gracious, and having his only son, Jesus, the ultimate lamb, the ultimate sacrifice, nailed to a cross so I could do what? So I could sit back and indulge in everything bad for my body? Everything that Satan loves and wants for me? I slapped my God in the face just like adulthood slapped me in the face.

   I didn’t need Him. Or so I thought. That’s the lie that kept controlling my brain. How is it okay for me to sit back and act like I don’t even care that Jesus was nailed to a cross for me? He bled. He was beaten. He was spit on. He was killed for me. He willingly died for me. I cannot get that thought out of my head.

I have been so convicted and my heart has become so soft again for my Lord and Savior. The one who created me. And everything. This is not a post to preach. This is not a post to judge. I for one have no place to judge anyone because I continue to make mistakes and do things out of selfish ambition daily. I have just been reminded that I am loved dearly, and greatly but the creator of the Universe. I am loved. And so are any of you who read this. You are special. You are loved. You are important. And most importantly, you have a purpose.

   It took some time to come to this realization. It took some time for my faith and my beliefs to become real to me. For me to not only believe what Jesus says, but to believe it and live it for my own life. Not because I have to. But because I want to."

-H

five months+some.

Hi friends!

   Wow, has time flown by. I go through these phases of blog writing and journal writing and then sometimes I end up totally just stopping and I'm a total dork for stopping because this is my outlet. Words. On paper. Or on this screen. They're my outlet. My way of expression. And I am so thankful for that. 

   So much has happened over the last five months! So instead of back tracking on all of that, I'll fill you in on where I am at now. Currently I have the best job ever. I'm a Lead toddler teacher and its the BOMB! Sometimes stressful of course but it is the most rewarding thing I have ever experienced. The unconditional love that these kids give me is something else. I thank God often for the best job because He is indeed allowing a gift He has given me to be used to make Him happy. 

   In other news, I'm a changed person. For many different reasons but specific instances in particular that I have experienced to shape my mind and thoughts more and more in adulthood. Whether they be decisions we make or people that we come in contact with. Specifically people. 

   I'm at a loss for words, people. No pun intended. Have any of you ever met someone that you feel you have an instant connection with? Yet they make you feel excited and nervous at the same time? And you want to impress them of course so they'll notice you. And it'd be great if they felt the exact same way back and there were no obstacles blocking your way. Unfortunately, that's in a perfect world. In the real world, the other person has no idea you think they're ridiculously amazing and practically perfect in every way. And you have to see them almost everyday. In the real world, they're either with someone else, or tied down by other obligations. In the real world, they wouldn't ever leave the situation they're in even if they're unhappy just to take a chance. 

   As humans, because we are demanding beings we want what we can't have. We want what is nearly impossible to get. But if we get it, by some 1 in a million chance we get it, we won't ever let it go. 

Night,

-H-

seasons.

Hi friends,

   It's been a couple of months since I've written on here and I hate that. So much has happened. So many wonderful things. So many sad things. So many emotions have been constantly taking over my brain all at once over the last couple of months. It's hard for me to process things. I am emotionally and can be easily hurt. But I can also be what one calls a "stuffer." I stuff my emotions and put them on the back burner of everything else that is happening until everything builds up and I literally explode. Usually it's some kind of emotional-weep in the shower kind of explosion. Never directly at someone.

   I feel as though there are many seasons of life that we go through. We go through the stage where the most important person we all depend on for the first several years of our lives are our mothers. Then the seasons continue. And eventually we go through awkward middle school and junior high stages full of braces, bad hair, too much makeup, and trying to fit in. Within that awkward period of time, for me, my mother was the last person I wanted to talk to or want advice from. But no matter what, she was there. My family was always there. They've always been here. And I do not give them enough credit for that.

   I've made many mistakes with people over the course of my life by depending on them too much because of things that have happened to me in my past. And it isn't fair. I will be the first person to tell you that I care way too much about people. Their lives. Their decisions. I am very invested in people. The Lord is revealing to me, (and he has been doing this for a long time but I haven't truly been able to see it until now) to continue to use the gifts He has given me. The compassion and love He has given me for people. Patience. An open mind. Open ears. Empathy. Encouragement. And to use them for him and not myself. To be fully invested in Him. Not people. We are all human. Humans can't live up to the magnitude of what God lives up to. And he lives up to so much more than that. He was, is, and will forever be the only constant thing in my life.

   I am thankful and have so much love for every single person in my life right now. Whether they are close to me or distant from me because there is a purpose for every single person I have encountered.

Happy ALMOST New Year. 

-H

  

rediscovery.

Hey friends!
   So, I really honestly do not even know who was reading my blog and who wasn't reading my blog. It's been awhile since I wrote my last post, but so much has been going on. My Mimi finally passed, and she went to be with Jesus on the 25th of August. The service was beautiful and I actually went and saw her at the cemetery today. In all honesty, there is something so calming and so peaceful when just sitting on the grass at a cemetery. Knowing that she is Jesus just made it sweeter and made me more happy that I will in fact, see her again.
   Thanks to one of my best friends non stop encouragement, she's helped me rediscover my love for photography. I've always loved it; always done it. I have a macho camera, and I would love to be able to do it full time as a career but sometimes I get discouraged because the industry is so competitive. When she saw my portfolio and some of my photos for the first time she was blown away and had no idea I even did photography. Today was the first day in months that I actually went out and shot my camera. For fun. No pressure. And it was glorious. I was reminded of the passion and love I had for it. So I will post a few after this blog post. :]
   Today is Suicide Awareness Day. And if any of you do not know about the non-profit called TWLOHA, aka "To Write Love On Her Arms," you need to check it out. I have been such a huge supporter of it ever since I discovered it several years ago. Having battled serious depression and at one point several years ago considered taking my own life, I am so thankful that there is such a wonderful support system for people out there still struggling every single day. I have three tattoos between two wrists- a Christian fish, the name of a favorite bible verse, (Proverbs 3:5-6) and the third is a Chinese symbol meaning strength. I got the symbol as a reminder that trying to take my life is never an option. That there are people there to help. There are people out there who do understand what you're going through. Sometimes, days seem unbearable and you just literally want to lock yourself in your closet and never come out. Through having been at the bottom of the pit in my life, and being able to come back out with Jesus holding me tight, I have never felt better. Truly.
   However, some days I still struggle and get upset. But I know that I will not ever let suicide, self harm, or anything else that is harmful to myself or others be the solution. Ever. To anyone who reads this who may or may not be struggling, remember you do have purpose. You are special. You were made to be a blessing. You are a blessing. You are loved. And suicide is never the answer to your problems. I love you.
   Here are a few pictures from today. I am thankful for a friend who helped me rediscover a love that I thought was lost a long time ago. Thanks, nugget. :)

-H

glue.

Hi there people,
   It's been a couple of days since writing and I think it was a good thing. I love writing and being able to express myself this way, and love sharing my random thoughts and epiphany's with you. However, one thing that I hate about writing, texting, any communication that does not involve verbal conversing, is tone. You can never understand a persons tone in anything that they're writing. Of course you can look at little things like punctuation and look for hints, but ultimately you cannot tell. Sometimes I think I get myself in trouble if I write something wanting it and meaning for it to be received how I meant for it to be, when in reality it was received in a completely opposite way from what I imagined. And sometimes that bites me in the butt. Whenever I'm writing I'm not focusing on anything else. I'm just writing. I get an idea and I can't stop. So I am very regretful and apologetic to things I have written where it has hurt anyone.
   Moving on, the title of this post is important. With everything that has been going on with slowly losing my Mimi, and the stress it has put on my family, especially my dad, I have realized that I am the glue that helps hold my core family together. That is not to be said in a selfish, or cocky tone at all. It is said in a way that is a blessing, and at the same time, very hard. I am naturally an emotional person. I am such a feeler. Empathy is a big word to describe my personality. However, I do not like people seeing me upset. I would rather shove my feelings of being sad and be there for the people around me. I often refer to myself as the "black sheep" of the family, but in a good way. My brother is nine years older than me, and my sister is 8, and then there's me. I was born very different. I was born into a household full of addiction and anger. As a child it was not a good environment for me to live in. Now, as an adult, my parents are completely different people. For the good. And I am so thankful for that. Being on the side of being a non-believer, and then being a believer now, I always like to think the Holy Spirit was with me since I was born. I like to believe that God was guiding me even when I didn't know who He was or believed in who He was. He knew that I would learn to know and love who He is. He knew that I would be blessed with amazing people to teach me about Him. He already had it planned out. I say those things because I have always had a conscious. Not a normal sized one either. A HUGE one. I wasn't a rebellious child, I didn't push the boundaries, and I knew right from wrong and would never cross that line. Everyone else in my family did whatever they wanted to do because they felt like it. I was never that way. And to this day I'm not that way. By the grace of God I have been saved from a lot of bad things.
   I am confident, love, and know that He has always kept tabs on me. He has always had my best interest in mind. He has never given me more than I could handle even though sometimes in the moment things felt unbearable. He has used me to minister and keep my family close. He has given me life. He has given me awesome friends over the course of 21 years. And right now I have some of the best friends I have ever had in my entire life. Even though things are tough right now, I am reminded that I am so blessed. And I do not deserve any of it. So, thank you Lord for extremely hard things that have happened to me and things I've had to go through. But because of those things and because of you, Jesus, I am who I am today. And I am thankful.
-H
  

mirandaLambert.

Hi!
   I cannot believe that it is already 2:37am as I am writing this and I have to be up in seven hours to go to work. Shoot me. ANYway, obviously you all know that the purpose of a blog is to write whenever you're feeling inspired, mad, sad, funny, whenever really. All of those emotions or feelings are great when blogging. This blog is titled what it is titled because the person who this blog title is named after is a huge inspiration of mine. As a female, how can one not love everything that Miranda Lambert stands for? She believes in women being empowered, strong, as well as independent. She believes in justice for those who treat people wrong. I can't say that I disagree with her.
   Tonight was the fourth time seeing her in concert period. The first time I saw her was in Fay and she was opening up for Jason Alden who was then opening up for Dierks Bentley. And now, six years later, she has one of the top grossing country tours this year. Filling up arenas. The second time I saw her was in the Fort, and it was her mini headlining tour where she headlined smaller venues in comparison to arenas. Then, April of this year I saw her in Little Rock not even knowing she would be IN my hometown four months later and as soon as it was announced in May I knew I had to see her again! And bring friends who hadn't ever seen her. She is one of the best live performers and artists that I have ever seen. And I've seen a lot. Tonight however, was the first night that I had ever been so close to one of my top artists ever that I wanted to faint. There's something about actually being able to be 10-15 feet from them where you can literally see their face and it isn't just on a jumbo screen. Seeing one of my musical influences tonight up close was so surreal and honestly such a cool dream that came true. It was on my bucket list! If you haven't seen her show, you have to
   A huge dream of mine has always been to work in the music industry and of course there are millions of other people who want to do the same thing. I don't necessarily want to be in full front like Miranda is, but I have always had this dream of playing in her band. Or in another one of my favorite artists bands. Or songwriting with them. I enjoy music as a whole-but there is so much that goes into making what everyone hears on radio happen. So much time. I dream about working with her and other artists like her. Who are original and have such a head knowledge and heart of the industry. I dream of living in Nashville. I have always said ever since the first time I visited that at some point in my life I would live there. It reminds me a lot of home.
   When someone goes to a concert with me I feel really bad for them. I love looking at and listening to all of the technical things and lighting, mix boards, band placement, listening to the production of everything. I have a blast, especially when there's beer involved. But my natural brain instinct automatically goes into overdrive and is taking notes and loves to see how each artists productions are SO different. I love seeing everything that goes into a show in order to make it happen. Because without a crew to set up stage equipment or to work on lighting or sound boards, it couldn't happen.
   I've played guitar for the last eight years, mandolin for a few, and the next instrument I would love to conquer and learn would be the banjo. Eventually I would love to be a strings master and be able to literally pick up any instrument and play it.
   I am so sorry to those of you who read my blog because this was probably a super duper boring post, but if you read it, then I thank you very very much. I believe that music can really heal someone, anyone, if you really let it sink in to your heart. And into your soul. Falling asleep writing this...but here's a pic from the show!
-H

anything you can do, i can do better.

Hihi,
   I am convinced that I stared at my cursor blinking for 10 minutes straight having major writers block. As I was sitting here contemplating what words I wanted to give any of you readers today, Teen Mom is playing in the background. Yes, I said Teen Mom. And I am not ashamed. Okay maybe just a little bit, but it will just be our little secret. The rest of MTV is playing in the background as well as random Hunger Games commercials, Real World promo's, and stuff about Snooki. Based off of only listening to what is going on while I am writing this, the word competition keeps flashing in my head right now.
   If you are a human, at least the age of 18, had an actual job, or encountered people, you would have learned that there are several different kinds of people in the world. And I'm not just talking about race here, people. There are the "story toppers," who literally will say absolutely anything to top the most tragic or wonderful story that you tell because they well, want to be better than you. There's the people I like to call the "never evers" because they could have just accidentally chopped off their left hand, and you, being the selfless person you are, chop yours off to give it to them and even in that circumstance would never EVER be pleased. There are the "self absorbed," who are only concerned about themselves. And last but not least, the fourth group of people that exist in this world would be the "Debbie downers."
   Having worked in customer service for the last five years, I have encountered every single group of people. Over a thousand times. And in my personal life, another thousand times. Let's start with the "Story Toppers." Anybody who is reading this right now knows that you have inquired a story topper before. Or maybe you ARE the story topper! I once had a friend, and no, we are not friends anymore, who was the greatest story topper of all time. She constantly had to be on her toes in order to blow whatever sad story I had out of the water. In time I found myself stooping to her level coming up with these crazy scenarios just SO I could hear her try and top my story. Then it just became a competition and (hence the name of this blog!) I just kept singing "Anything you can do I can do better! I can do anything better than YOU!" in my head. What I gathered from my experience with that ex friend, and other people I dealt with who were toppers, is that their lives must be so boring. Literally like watching paint dry boring to make themselves sound ridiculously adventurous, depressed, or just plain awesome.
   Next we have the "never evers," who may be my favorite type of people. These are the kind of people you are going to encounter if you work with people. Ever. As I said above, you could donate a freaking limb to these people and it would not be enough and you would simply be less than impressive to them. OR they would be angry because said limb wasn't good enough for them. These are the people that go to restaurants and yell at waitresses for something not being on the menu that they want. NEWS FLASH: Since when do waitresses have a say in what goes on a menu and what doesn't? Um, NEVER. So, to all of you never evers, just stay home.
   We're almost done people, I promise. Moving onto the self absorbed. I lied before. THESE people might be my favorite. I just envision them standing in front of a mirror all day posing and smiling and saying positive things to themselves, about themselves, in the third person. Something about that playing over and over again in my head just makes my heart happy. It totally shouldn't. But sometimes I can be a sarcastic ice queen, and it just so happens that that's how I'm feeling right now. Lucky you. These people revert everything back to them. And make everything about them. It's your birthday! Who's the one that pretty much blows out your birthday candles? (metaphorically speaking, of course.) Self Absorbed!
   Finally, summing up all of this nonsense coming out of my ginger cranium, we have the Debbie Downers. Kudos to SNL for coming up with the character Debbie played by Rachel Dratch. Extremely accurate. These Debbie's just bring down the house. Literally, they could bring down a house with all of their bad news and pessimism. Being on vacation at a beautiful beach having a wonderful time, YES, I would love to hear about your venereal disease and how you can't go swimming because you have a terrible urticaria (that is another word for rash, for those of you who were unaware). I am an empathetic person. I feel for people, and for my friends. I like to put myself in their shoes and really understand what they're going through. But in that case, my diseases and I will be keeping to ourselves.
   I love people. Observing, talking, learning from, and laughing with as well as at people. For those of you who read this, I thank you. And for those of you who don't. Then well, you're missing out on one hell of a clever ginger.
Laters baby,
-H